slow stitching....

i am finding it difficult to make outside of my comfort zone....

stitching, patching and piecing flows easily from my mind through my fingertips but the outcome of hours of medative making is pretty much things i have seen before

this is not really a problem but i guess i was hoping a move, new surroundings, more time and a settled mind would bring new thoughts and ways..

maybe it will. over time.

the loss, the move, its all still pretty raw, i wonder often if i will start grieving soon and totally lose my head

have i buried and bottled up all my feelings and emotions or am i a totally empty space?

who knows...

i think i need to get out more, see new things, read, watch, absorb

meet new folk

walk in green spaces quietly with a doglet at my side

be kinder to myself

forget the past a little more and the people that are wrapped up in it

move forward one step at a time

gently....

 

42

yesterday was my birthday, a day i had really been dreading as i just do not generally enjoy them..

its not an age thing its more of a continuously disappointed so no longer bother sort of thing.

year after year of nothing special happening to mark my day has left me with an anxious and irrational fear..
that and the fact i was without my farmer boy for the first birthday in 24 years..

stupid really...

happily i can report this year, my 42 birthday was rather lovely

plenty of hugs from my girls and the sweetest *happy birthday* chirruped to me from my darling annabelle

and there was cake. enough said.

relocated..

a change as big as this was sure to throw me off balance but i have been surprised at how well i seem to have accepted, embraced and carried on..

our bodies and minds can cope with more than we think...

that's not to say that i have not had wobbly moments, there have been a good few of those for sure, but the chitter chatter of my darling niece and a hug from a family member washes the negative feelings away..

never underestimate the power of a small persons smile...

i am slowly adjusting to this new way of life, the ability to breathe slower, to have more time and head space of my own, to not be so physically active - its odd but in a good way..

stitching, making and creating has been slow. i think i need to get out and about and fill my creative mind up with new surroundings, artists and inspiration.

thankfully the town nearby has a thriving artist community and what looks like an amazing gallery - i will go in search of that soon - my mind is desperate for colour, shape and that makers kick up the backside!

 i hope to be around here more often too now that there is time in my day, i may have far less to chat about and the show and tells will certainly contain less beautiful animals {oh how i miss them} but i think it will be good for me

writing is therapy

...

the shepherdess...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

often my work depicts the time and the emotions i am going through and this piece is a mixed up old bag for sure!

the idea of a shepherdess holding her lamb close started forming in my head at one of the saddest heart wrenching times of my life..

deep in the madness of having a stand with my dear pal at the Country Living Fair last November, my most loved lamb chubster had to be put to sleep..

i was not with him, instead i was surrounded by hundreds of people in a massive hall full of noise..

i fell apart. literally

the noise, the heat, the rush of people suddenly caved in on me as my heart broke

never have i been so grateful for dear friends who picked me up and dusted me down but above all else hugged me close

once home the idea of the shepherdess sat and whirred around in my head but i could just not actually start the papery process until months later..

finally the shepherdess herself appeared quite quickly but she was plonked back on the shelf as i still could just not bring myself to make a tiny chubster lamb for her to hold..

and then one day i patched and pieced a white lamb together that looked nothing like my little lost boy using scraps of this and that gifted to me from my sue :)

i popped the newly made lamb in the careful arms of the shepherdess...
the fit was perfect

the shepherdess was done

a woolly hat and scarf, a much loved worn and darned dress and a lamb of her own

it is all any shepherdess needs

i should know.....

i hope you like her :)

a self confessed dream chaser.....

i remember buying this painting like it was only yesterday..

it was from a tatty and beautiful shop in Hastings, i was with my very good friend amanda

she was amazing

and tall and willowy

she had the best taste and was the queen of charity shops, farrow and ball paint and making do before it became so trendy, dull and over used..

she was a self employed gardener and had magic hands

i admired her hugely and was more than a little star struck by her natural grace and beauty and quiet humility

and she had a beautiful, feisty border terrier

really what was not to like?

i carried the painting under my arm for the rest of the day and proudly placed it on the wall of our tiny cottage which sat on a busy road in a large village..

i would look at that picture often and declared it to be my dream home..

a house in the middle of the country, remote, with land that i could fill with animals

and so 14 years passed and the picture remained on that wonky wall that we plastered, in that tiny cottage that we loved....

the cottage that kept us safe, that was often filled with friends eating and laughing, the place that was very much home...

and then on a whim we sold up and moved to follow the dream in that darn painting...

seven years later, two houses and countless animals and here we are..

supposedly for the last three years i have been living in my dream of dreams location - a stone house in the middle of a forest

turns out it is a dream spiked with nightmares

now we are leaving i can clearly see how utterly exhausted we both are, both at the end of our well travelled roads...

seven years of chasing dreams, building a house by the sea, saving many animals and really not a moment for ourselves to just stop and enjoy the places we have lived

ironic really

the next part of my life will be based at home, with my family, where i began..

time to rest, regroup, heal, remember

time to be surrounded by the family i have been away from both physically and emotionally whilst i have been dream chasing...

its time to go home

however a brand new dream is gathering a little whirl in my thoughts but this time it will be closer to those that i love the most

family

xx

 

instagram

it took a very long time for instagram to steal my heart

 partly this was due to only having a phone that i had to literally shake vigorously in to life to even send a text so picture taking was a no no, but the biggest reason for not joining was it just seemed like another *thing* to have to remember to update in an already full day of things...

how very very wrong i was...

as soon as i was able to upgrade to a phone that just about, on a good day,  understood that instagram existed i was in, albeit in a crap quality, slightly blurry picture quality kind of way but i was there snapping my way through my days and exploring the daily worlds of so many others - joy

its a funny old place instagram as there are so many different folk using it in different ways, this is why i guess i find it so interesting..

there are feeds that are full to the brim of scenes from beautiful family life, those that are using it as a selling platform, page after page of amazingly styled shots that leave you wondering how these supposedly normal folk have time to have such seemingly beautiful homes and then there are feeds like mine that show a random mixture of this and that, are a bit hit and miss...

 honest, often messy, more than often containing animals!

when news of us losing our farm tenancy here in the forest slapped me in the face it was instagram that i immediately turned away from.

i just could not look at people going about their beautiful lives whilst mine laid broken in so many pieces around my feet. my heart and head literally just could not take it.

part of me felt so selfish for thinking and feeling this as other peoples happiness normally makes my heart sing but right then, when my heart was swimming around by my feet, it was just best that i stepped away to wallow in sadness.

however over the last week or so the reason i am still able to get up each day 

{some days only just}  

is because of the support system that has slowly grown around me without me truly realising it, creeping in, taking my hand, whispering positive mantras, saying a prayer, sending daily facebook hugs..

all of you

all of you that are there when i lift the lid on my laptop each morning with a heavy heart

all of you that give time in your lives to wonder how i am

how amazingly beautiful is that?

so today i am planning to return to instagram, to continue taking quick snapshots of my days which i think will be good for me as we slowly approach the last month of our lives here

the last month where i will be surrounded by precious animals with my farmer boy by my side

i know it will be hard to look at these pictures after we separate and leave but maybe, and i am hoping, that in months, years to come i will be grateful that i did it

we shall see

so anyway this is me, over there, on instagram where my daily life goes on, where i hope to document the huge changes that i face over the next month and beyond...

plodding onwards

** a very wise, incredibly supportive and kind friend who has held me up and pushed me forward when i honestly believed i could do no more advised me to keep my dog fort around me..

she was right **

 

 

sugar is my poison...

at the moment each and every day is a weary struggle, my heart is heavy and my body feels as if it has been hit by a bus. 

i know part of this problem aside from the huge upheaval that is happening on the home front,is all the sugar i am consuming

nothing feeds misery more than sugar

i am a vegan and have been for a long time, previous to that i was a almost lifetime vegetarian that rarely ate dairy but just could not quite give up malteasers

clean eating has  always been important but the sugar cravings have always been strong even though i know that they act as a toxin to my body but at times of upset and stress i pile them in regardless, always regretting it as i slowly feel my body coming to a grinding halt

this i clearly where i am at now

i know the next month is going to be hard both physically and emotionally so food fuel is going to be important even though every part of my being does not want to prepare meals. eating just feels pointless.

so the plan is to try and be kinder to my insides but just not to worry about my sugar intake..

to keep in my mind that in only a months time i will be back with my family, engulfed in love and warmth, at the start of my healing process, and it is then that i shall go back to clean eating, treating my body well, taking this whole vegan journey a step further..

i am hoping that this move will not only breathe new life in to my creative side but also in to my spiritual side that really really needs feeding and feeding well.